Half Life, er, MLP: Ponyville Consequences!
by LZ0291
Summary: So, Gabby Gums is gone, and a normal day commences in Ponyville. With a griffin invasion, apathetic citizens, exploding unicorns, and quite frankly ridiculous amounts of infanticide.     I probably shouldn't have to say this isn't serious, but I just did.


Life in Ponyville was as back to normal as it ever was. The latest disaster to hit the town had been a less physical one, in the form of libellous statements written in a school newspaper.

...Although unbeknownst to most residents (but now knownst to us), a train nearly crashed, and a supply of bread contaminated with flesh-eating bacteria was narrowly intercepted from reaching supermarket shelves. Oh, and there was a leaky valve in a nearby chemical weapons storage bunker, the local Space Shuttle fuel depot accidentally relaxed its no-smoking policy, the government began performing suspect covert sonic rainboom experiments near Fillydelphia, and Pinkie Pie bought a flamethrower.

"They're legal! No permit, no waiting period, no background checks and they force the dealers to give you a free tank of gas! Our government is completely and utterly stupid and frankly I am amazed Equestria isn't a pile of smouldering ashes already."

Kind of a shame Gabby Gums never reported on those really.

Anyway, things were back to normal iexcept/i in the Ponyville Post Office, where the mailmare, Derpy Hooves, had just fainted. A brown pegasus mare with a clock cutie mark and a blue unicorn stallion were trying to revive her.

"Sheesh, you'd think she'd never seen five tons of letters before, Bluewire." The pegasus said.

"Not addressed to the same three ponies on her route, no. And not containing a letter bomb, Countdown." The unicorn noted.

"Yeah. About that, when did Bomb Disposal say they'd get here?"

"...We _are_ Bomb Disposal."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

><p>After the experts remembered they were experts, defused the bomb and discovered it to be of a type that was merely full of glitter and glue, Derpy was given smelling salts and some assistance to deliver the letters. Presently, she knocked on the door of Carousel Boutique and announced her presence.<p>

"Letters for Sweetie Belle! Oh, and a Party Parcel Bomb for Rarity but it was defused."

"WHAT? That was my scheme to get back at Rainbow Dash for stranding me in the desert with Pinkie Pie!" A voice cried out from within.

There was a pause.

"I mean, I never ordered that intending for it to detonate in her face putting glue and glitter all over her forcing her to go to the Spa with me to clean it all off. Please return it to sender. Sweetie is still asleep but I'll take her letters anyway."

Derpy decided not to point out the glue in the device was water soluble and Dash lived in a house made out of water. Instead, she simply delivered the letters. Or rather, ordered the two ponies hauling the cart to deliver them by dumping the contents in the window.

"AAAAGH! Why are there so many letters? And why is this Parcel Bomb still here? Wait, it isn't defused at all, the timer's just been switched off! It could explode at any min-"

There was a bang, and a scream.

"...Shouldn't we tell her the glue is water soluble now?" One of the cart ponies asked.

Derpy pondered this.

"Nah, I owe Dash one for that whole thing with the lighting clouds back in summer. Besides, it's funny to see Rarity covered in glitter."

"She's not, that was a real bomb. Everything inside is covered in Rarity." The other cart pony said.

"...Ah. Well, then I think it's best that we run away. There's still a SWAT team here since Fluttershy went postal in Cloudsdale yesterday and did that killing spree."

* * *

><p>Soon after, at Sweet Apple Acres, the elder Apple sister had some questions.<p>

"...Applebloom, mind telling me why our smallest barn has a larger barn inside it?"

"Oh, that was a time and space cutie mark experiment that went wrong last week. Didn't Mac tell ya?"

"Oh right, that. Mind telling me why the larger barn has the same smaller barn in it?"

"Same experiment. Apparently it's called an Ourobarnos, or Barnception."

"Okay. And why did mail ponies just crush Granny Smith with two tons of court orders?"

Applebloom shrugged.

"No idea. On the bright side, she was pretty old and it was fortunate nopony younger was killed. We need all the hoofpower we can get to resist the griffin invasion if they start figuring out our public amenities aren't actually shooting back, and that all the shots are from them surrounding the building without paying attention to things like overpenetration and missed shots, and in complete ignorance of the phenomenon of friendly fire since this is a hardcore server."

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

"Griffin invasion? What griffin invasion?"

A tank trundled past, firing wildly at a cloud.

"Oh yeah, that one. Anyway, these letters are all addressed to you."

Applebloom inspected them, and screamed.

"What is it?"

"My subscription to my magazine is going to run out! Oh, and I've been served like a hundred and ninety court case summons for all those libellous things I wrote in the newspaper."

"Ah."

There was a pause between the two sisters. A second tank trundled past and then exploded.

"Good shot, Mac!"

"Ah was aimin' for his head."

"...Tanks don't have heads."

"Ah know that _now_. Miss Rainbow's turtle was not the best possible target recognition guide."

"Whatever, you're the one who wanted the anti-tank gun, ah was happy with the landmines even if the cows weren't. Anyway, Applebloom, you'd better go meet Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, see if they got these letters and if any of them've got money. Oh, and remind the cows that they're grazing in a minef-"

There was an explosion and a rain of beef.

"Never mind, they found out. You'd better git going. Oh, avoid the south field, apparently there's a group of Marxist insurgent rabbits have been holed out there all week, all these griffins invading have spooked them so they might demand you prove you're a communist or something. And you'll just have to kill them all or kill yourself 'cos no sister of mine is gonna even pretend to be some pinko commie-nazi."

* * *

><p>The Cutie Mark Crusaders met at Scootaloo's house, which was an actual house with parents and everything. Said Scoota-not-an-orphan was gleefully flying in the living room, because she is completely capable of it, she was just grounded and not allowed to fly outside the house for the last six years as punishment for accidentally drowning her infant sister in the oven.<p>

Pegasus parents are harsh, but fair.

"What's all this red stuff on your letters, Sweetie Belle?" The pegasus asked, as Scootaloo's parents frowned at the large pile of letters.

"Rarity, she got blown up. But I found her will so I'm over it. She was _loaded_. I think I can just bribe my way out of these charges and still be rich. That's assuming the Griffins don't capture Canterlot before this reaches court at all."

"Good luck with that, they took six hours to capture the library and that was after they accidentally ran Twilight over with a tank when they were parking up." The pegasus sighed.

"Is she okay?" Applebloom asked.

"Of course not. They parked a tank on her then a tank on the other side of the library shot through the window, through the open door, into the rear armour, rolled a twenty for penetration, and that meant the whole tank exploded. Nothing left but crater, feathers from the crew inside, and her horn. I picked it up, I'm gonna be an alicorn next Nightmare Night. Well, I say I picked it up, more like I pulled it out of Mrs. Cake's skull where it got lodged. She's dead too, obviously. Don't worry though, she's not orphaned her kids, the griffins bombed Sugarcube Corner this morning, everypony but Pinkie is dead and she's apparently some kind of communist nazi anyway."

"Ah. What?"

"What?"

"Pinkie's a communist?" Applebloom clarified.

"Apparently. Anyway, I never got any letters. I don't know why."

Derpy then entered via the window. Scootaloo's parents tutted.

"Scootaloo, I'm sorry about this but it turns out we've been delivering your mail to a park bench for the past six years, including that guidebook on 'how to get your infant sister out of an oven full of water' and that baby cockatrice you ordered. On the bright side now we know where all those new statues in the park came from. On the downside, the griffins just carpet-bombed the park."

The Crusaders frowned.

"How could you think her mail address was a bench?"

Derpy checked her notebook.

"Somepony said she was an orphan and that the bench was her address. If it was, well, she's homeless now. But she should get good rates for the new craters they're building."

"Somepony? But who?" Sweetie Belle pondered.

"...Pinkie Pie. Still, I can hide them from my parents now they and the entire park they were in have been atomised by an excessive rain of bombs what exploded and stuff!"

"Hide what from your parents, _darling daughter_? You know, you parents who are _in the same room as you_?" Scootaloo's mother then said.

Scootaloo groaned.

"I did not think this one through at all."

"Do you want to be grounded for another six years?"

"No! I only had three days left until the last time I was grounded ends!" The pegasus filly protested.

"Well, young lady, we're just going to have to go to the town hall and get the papers to disown you."

"Aw, man!"

There was a loud explosion.

"What was that?" Sweetie wondered

"Ah think the griffins just blew the town hall up." Applebloom replied

"Finally, they've been trying to capture that darn thing all morning. Maybe now they'll hit the school." Scootaloo exclaimed.

"Ah dunno, Featherweight did hole up in there with a heck of a lot of guns. Anyway, ah reckon we should all head to Sweet Apple Acres and read the letters ah got since Scootaloo's are exploded, Sweetie's are covered in the gory remains of her sister, and... There is no and. Why was ah working towards an and?"

"Who cares. Let's go."

* * *

><p>Back at the farm, Big Macintosh fired a stinger missile. The three fillies stared in disbelief at the letters, having removed Granny Smith's corpse from below the pile and propping her onto the roof with a rifle as a decoy.<p>

"Ah can't believe this! We only did it for two weeks, we all said sorry and stopped, but now we got three hundred and nineteen censures from the press complaints commission, sixty-seven cases of libel, forty-one cases of unlawful surveillance, thirty breaches of the data protection act, twenty-three cases of public disclosure of private facts, six cases of defamation under Scoots law, four cases of breaching the official secrets act, two cases of espionage, two charges of graverrobbing, one case of treason, summons to three different press ethics enquires in three different countries including one that isn't even on this planet, one accusation of criminal harrasment and depravation of rights with possible implications in causing a murder-suicide because of Fluttershy shooting herself and all those ponies in Cloudsdale, one charge of provoking a foreign country into declaring war..."

A griffin Air Force fighter plane promptly crashed onto the south field, annoying the Marxist rabbits.

"...And job offers to work for News International!"

"Wait, what?" Applejack interrupted, in the midst of stabbing a Russian paratrooper.

"Ah can't work for Rupert Murdoch! Ah just can't!"

"AB, ah think you got a couple of things more worryin' than a job offer from an amoral hypocritical lunatic with a poor grip on reality, a couple of them things you're accused of carry the death penalty."

"Eh, who'd execute foals?"

Big Macintosh wandered over, reloading his Stinger missile launcher.

"Well, first, ah think this story is also being written by an amoral hypocritical lunatic with a poor grip on reality so it's highly likely the answer to you question is 'him, duh.' But on the matter of the court cases - correct me if ah'm wrong but doesn't this actually all fall on Diamond Tiara for forcing you to do it, a breach of the Moral Objections to Labour Act 1994, a breach of the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service code that all Equestrian employers are by law required to follow even if the work is unpaid, a breach of the Employment Act 2003, a breach of the Terrorism Act 2012, a breach of the Blackmail and Coercion Act of 1956 as amended in 1991, and a breach of the Stupid Haircut Act of 2007?"

"How the hay should ah know, Big Mac, you're the one with the law school degree."

"Eeyup. Now ah think about it that's pretty much got precedent, Crown Versus Firefly. Ah don't reckon we need to worry, this is an open and shut case. She'll swing for this. Now, if y'all will excuse me, ladies, ah got to go blow up Metal Gear."

"Okay, Mac, but she won't swing, it's firing squad or lethal injection of bullets around here." Applejack corrected her brother as he left, hiding below a cardboard box.

"Great! Our worries are over!" Sweetie Belle.

"Yes, they are. Well, griffins are still invading the town and a large number of our friends and relatives have been killed brutally for no apparent reason, but that's not a huge problem." Scootaloo shrugged memetically.

Applebloom them perked up and smiled.

"Hey, girls, you reckon we could get a cutie mark for counterinsurgency? We've got some Marxists rabbits in the south field, and a whole shedload of guns!"

"It's a barn." Applejack reminded her.

"Barnload, then."

"Aw, hay, ah'm coming with you. I call shotgun!" Applejack exclaimed, and there was much rejoicing.

* * *

><p><strong>Three Weeks Later<strong>

In the shattered remains of Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie was sympathetically being sympathetic to Filthy Rich. As the only surviving Earth ponies in town (Farms didn't count as in 'town', and besides, Sweet Apple Acres had renamed to Outer Heaven, and declared itself an independent 'nation of warriors and apple farmers' led by Big Boss Macintosh), they had buried his recently executed daughter in the basement, as every time the pegasi or unicorns tried to use a shovel somepony else just wound up dead.

Now you know why they couldn't farm their own food in the Hearth's Warming story.

"I'm sorry about the horrible execution of your daughter, Onyx Tiara..."

"Who?" The brown stallion wondered.

"...I mean, Mister Rich, but let's face it, she was a bitch, and it really was a stupid haircut. In fact, it's a good thing the firing squad mostly missed and she slowly bled out screaming, her suffering only prolonged by the legal requirement for paramedics to administer aid ensuring that she took over four hours to die... But she was a bitch."

"Yeah, I guess. Besides, I slept around a lot when I was younger, I can just find another one somewhere. Me and her mother never really loved her. Still, our lawyers managed to get every charge annulled or brought down to community service. Except that infernal haircut charge. Who would have thought that the law says it's a capital offence in combination with any other charges?"

"Crazy world we live in, Mister Rich. Crazy world. But hey, the griffins won the war so... I guess we're not under the oppressive regime of the Tyrant Celestia!"

"...Equestrian forces under Luna's command counter-attacked and defeated the Griffins last week, Pinkie. We won."

"We did? Oh. Yay Equestria."

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile, in an intact and unbombed Sugarcube Corner in reality...<strong>

**Mid-February 2012, Calendar of Equestria (CE)**

**Third Year of the Second Age of Celestia and Luna's Twin Rule**

Rainbow Dash set down her coffee cup and pondered the story Pinkie had just told her.

"Okay. So, to sum that up. You had a dream that flamethrowers were legal, Rarity tried to deliver a joke bomb to my house but blew herself up with a real one dying horribly and barely fazing Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy massacred dozens of ponies and then turned the gun on herself..."

"Yup!" Pinkie confirmed.

"...Twilight was run over by a Griffin tank because apparently a war started between us and the Griffins and nopony actually seems to have cared even when they started levelling buildings in town and killing folks, because for the most part they were killing themselves. Apple Bloom broke the laws of thermodynamics, Applejack discovered the Marxist rabbits, the cutie mark crusaders were mistakenly given legal notices..."

"Right so far!"

"...Notices that should have gone to Diamond Tiara, and she was then served the notices in addition to her other breaches, ultimately seeing her executed for her haircut. Oh, and you got Mister Rich's name wrong."

"Pretty much. Oh, you missed me being a communist, Big Mac becoming a badass, and you not even appearing in the dream. And maybe a few other things but I just told you the whole dream anyway, you can scroll up and read the rest."

"I see." The prismatic pony ignored the last part and sipped her coffee.

"Pinkie, if you ever describe one of your dreams that's like that to me again I'm gonna have to get you to see a shrink."

"Look, I got confused, okay?" Pinkie protested.

"Oh?"

"When I called him Onyx. It's a terrible and pointless shoutout to far better works to just wildly insert it into a crack fic written for April Fools and hidden behind a terrible cliché 'it was all a dream' framing device, I know, but I don't have any control over it. In fact, I have no control over anything... Do you know how horrible it is to be aware that humans are writing your every word and action and yet be powerless to do anything but obey? Because I do!"

Pinkie then stared off in horror for a few seconds before she was forced to smile with potentially horrific implications, while Rainbow Dash simply ignored the outburst.

"...Yeah, whatever. So, what are the real charges Diamond Tiara has again?"

My god.

"Pretty much everything I dreamed about apart from the haircut thing. Oh, and Editorial Misconduct."

We humans _are_ monsters.

We are forcing these characters to do what we want. Characters like Pinkie have no free will and they know it.

Awesome.


End file.
